Thoughts Of A Gay Guy

Hey. Wouldn't it be great if we, as society, didn't automatically pressume people were straight. I suppose that could work for pressuming gay aswell, but if we meet someone who seems straight, we just pressume they are straight.

So what? Well what if they're not, what if they're gay. You're talking to a fellow queer but neither of you realise it. You don't bring up the subject because you've already pressumed this guy straight.

What if you fancy this guy, are you gonna flirt with him? You must be joking, he seems straight.

Maybe you don't agree with me. Maybe it's different in gay bars where you know the guy/girl is gay. But I'm 16, I've never been in a gay bar.

Maybe the pressumption thing isn't the problem. Right, so I'm in school, sitting opposite me is James, Mr. Extremely Cute. I'm completely in love (term used lightly) with this boy. OK, so I've already decided he's gay, we've caught each others eyes several times (this sounds like a Pulp song), what I really wanna do is kiss him. But 1st thing's first - talk to him, right? But do I? No. Why not? 'Cos I'm sh*t scared. What if he's str8? What if he doesn't fancy me? What if I'm imagining it? What if...?

So maybe confidence is the problem. Should I have just gone for it?

Probably. At least, now, I wouldn't still be wondering what his response would've been.

Okay. So who am I out to?

S. He's probably my best friend, I've known him for about 11 years and I think I know him pretty well. The thing is, we don't really talk, so I came out to him in an email. He came up with this elaborate story about his mail server being dodgy and that he never recieved it, when he had. Months passed before he acknowledged it, and only then because the situation (long story) meant he didn't have a choice. But strangely enough he was cool with it.

R and J. Found out by accident through the long story. But that was cool because they were both OK with it

C, JJ and K. C was my best friend, now ex-friend altogether, not completely un-related to my coming out. But still he says he's cool with it. He was the 1st person I told. JJ, his wee brother subsequently found out, he was cool with it, and JJ told his friend K, who was cool with it. Oh yeah and C told some of his friends.

So I suppose that goes to show that most of the people I know don't mind. But when I first came out to C I was so scared of what he might say or think. I can see now that I was kinda irrational. But still, you can't prevent paranoia. And also that's why I didn't want anyone else to know, I was just too scared. Now I don't even know who knows I'm gay. That was my nightmare.

I don't have the guts to tell the people I meet and that could be the problem, but I don't really care what people think, I mean, word gets around. I can't control who finds out so why should I worry about it.

Maybe that's one big contradiction. And maybe all my opinions will change if things get difficult. Maybe I'm niave.

Maybe all I really want is a boyfriend.

Maybe that's too much to ask.

This problem I keep reffering to.... what is it? The problem is confidence shouldn't be a requirement for being who you want to be, being who you are.

If I had more confidence, I'd probably be out to everyone right now. And, either through school or a Youth project, I'd probably have a boyfriend by now.

Maybe this whole thing has more to do with confidence, and the person you are, than with sexuality.

The thing is, it's not a one off thing, coming out. I mean, once the explosion has reached a certain stage, and all of your friends (and enemies) know about your sexuality, and your gay website into the bargain, it begins to get more complicated.

It really does feel as if the world knows everything, as if there isn't a soul on the planet who could've avoided the gossip. I fully believed that through the grapevine, the new people I was meeting already knew, and it was a shock when I realized that I'd have to come out, again. As it happened, this time I didn't need to because someone else did it for me - by accident, of course.

So I'm not assuming people know anymore. But how do you know who's heard what? You don't, I've discovered.

And another thing, since I can't rely on others to keep me out (- good thing - I don't want to be introduced as "Graham - he's gay"), when do I tell people?? Or do I simply not? No, that beats the point of being out. Supposing I got to know someone without telling him/her I was gay, it would become a burden - the same burden it was before.

So then when? Don't tell me, we're back to 'when the time is right' - bull - the right time, with the best conditions rarely comes. However, all this analysis and consideration goes straight out the window as soon as you get drunk and lose your senses - suppose that's the one and only time it's ever easy to say "I fancy that boy - see - that one there - I fancy him".

The one thing I'm forgetting about though, is confidence. It wasn't that difficult really to cope with everyone finding out in the big bang, once I was over the initial insecurity (* see below), but then you're back to coming out again, and that still needs confidence. And I don't really have enough - because I don't think the paranoia ever goes away. I would mention the booze again at this point but I don't really want to be seen to be endorsing alcohol...

Is it one great big circle? Coming out, followed by an explosion, which dies out, requiring you to come out again to the next group? Maybe, maybe not - there's probably a million other factors involved. And the explosion probably doesn't die out at all does it? There's always going to be someone who 'just found out'.

Surely though, the whole staying out bit is easier than that first coming out bit. Maybe it will continue to get easier, and eventually I'll really, truely, not care what people think, and staying out won't be a problem. Maybe in the future it won't be as much of a bombshell anyway, and it will be easy to say "Oh, and I'm gay."

( * About it being easy to cope with everyone knowing, after the initial insecurity. I'd like to say that I was out to a few select people (the same ones as I talked about before) for over 6 months before this 'explosion' and I was aware that increasing numbers knew - so I had time to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't in control anymore. But the day I was told EVERYONE knew, was the day I cried. I had this immense feeling of being over-exposed, and 'in too deep' and I for the next 48 hours really believed my life was going to be a living hell from then on. But it wasn't, and I got over it. Things are never as bad as they first seem. )