Topic: Depression (triggers)

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Tom

:: Biotom96
:: QA8 High Householder

So I've been staring at my computer screen trying to think how to say this, and I really need to let this out and I don't know where else to do it.

So basically, ever since I was little I've been looking after my mum who was disabled. Everyday I did some jobs for her and just helped out with bits that she found difficult. Slowly, gradually she got worse. She had a heart attack, then got lung cancer, and then the cancer spread to her brain. My life was going to school, coming home to help mum with everything and then struggling to get my homework done in my spare time. I hated everything, especially myself because I acted like the happiest kid in the world when all I wanted to do was scream and ask someone for some help.

Earlier this year I left. I just couldn't deal with looking after my mum anymore and I left to live with my dad. I was happier for the first 2 months, I didn't have all the responsibility on me and I felt more free than I ever had.

Then the depression hit. I felt so guilty for leaving my mum behind. I wasn't there to look after her anymore and I hated myself more than ever. I'm a horrible son, who leaves their mum when she's ill and needs help? I cut, for the first time in so long I cut and I wanted to, I needed to to keep myself in control.

Then mum died. I got a call saying she was in a hostel, the next day I travelled down to Cornwall on officially the worst trip ever. I had to change my route at least 5 times because of the weather and I had to walk about an hour of the way. Then I sat by my mum's side, holding her hand as she died.

I never thought that it was possible to hate someone this much, let alone myself. I left my mum, I wasn't looking after her and she died. My mum died because I left, and I just can't take this agony everyday. Everyday, thoughts niggling in my mind, blaming myself.

I'm not strong enough to stop, I've been cutting, hitting myself, slamming body parts in doors, falling down stairs on purpose. Just anything to hurt myself, I need this to keep in control so I don't just break down completely. Mainly I don't cut because it's too visible and dad thinks I've stopped.

I'm so scared about what I'm doing, but I can't see anyone without dad finding out what I've been doing and I just can't do that.. I just need someone to help me, I don't know what to do..

RAWR! I'm a hamster :D

Post: #674590

, Mon 13 Aug 12, 8:29PM

Javier

:: javierman
:: QA4 A spot of tea please, Alfred!

As much as I'd like to help, I can't. You need to schedule an appointment with a psychologist and maybe they can help you feel better.

What I do want to point out is that it's not your fault she died from her illness. It wasn't in your control to stop her death. You didn't cause anything and I can't blame you for wanting to become independent, etc. So just try to focus on other happy stuff. Watch a funny movie or your favorite tv show. I suggest Monty Python and the film Love and Death. Also Midnight in Paris is hilarious.

I expect you to seek professional help asap.

Post: #674683

, Tue 14 Aug 12, 1:25AM

Cody

:: Codynate
:: QA6 Livin' it up!

Hey,
I know this may sound cheesy or cliche,but it's true:
Everything happens for a cause.it may look real bad right now,but it'll turn out for the good.eventually.and u'll be able to see it soon,really.
Have faith(this is strictly not religious or anything),try searching for inspirational stories on YouTube etc.
And most importantly,talk to people.counsellors,family,friends,us on QA.it helps,and remember:you're never alone