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Topic: A constant reminder of the wrong I did.
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My guilt is slowly taking over. I have only ever told one person what I did and we're no longer together, not because of it, but she was the love of my life and I now feel like it's karma and I am just getting what I deserve.
I lied and I broke hearts. This is so hard for me to say and I don't even know why I'm doing it on here, I guess I just need to get it out of my head, maybe seeing it written down will help me somehow.
I lost my childhood best friend to a brain tumour after a long battle. I wasn't allowed to see him much because his mother and my mother thought it would be too traumatic to watch my best friend die. I couldn't get over it, I still haven't, I probably never will. I still think about him all the time.
I don't know why I did it, I don't remember my thought process leading up to it. I basically carried on my friends life online. I was him. I was chatting to girls on Habbo and talking to them on msn, I used his photo, I was texting them, I even fell for some of them. I would have like 2-3 girls at the same time, it was only dating stuff but I remember the ones who I genuinely liked. I got totally lost in 'his' life. I didn't want to be in my own, I didn't feel like I was me anymore because when ssomething happened in my life, I would just shut that off and pretend to be him, I think 90% of the time, I felt like him.
My parents found out. They went mad. I was banned from the internet. I tried to kill myself because I didn't want to be me. I didn't like my life. I loved the made up one, the one that made me feel good and the one where girls liked me. (I wasn't out at this point, I don't even think I realised I actually liked girls). I found ways of getting online, I stole money to buy a new phone. I was so desperate. One day, someone didn't think something was right with "me". They sussed out I wasn't who I said I was, I don't know how but they just knew.
At this point I was totally in love with this girl, I had known her as him for about a year and they/we were online dating, she really loved me too. I told her the truth. I loved her so much that I didn't want to hurt her anymore with my lies. Of course she totally flipped out at me. She cut me out of her life. She hated me. I hated myself.
I have spoken to her since, and she says she's forgiven me, she told me that she loved me, not the person I was pretending to be, although she isn't gay. So it's such a weird situation. I'm very lucky to have her forgiveness.
She's changed though, she's on anti-depressants and she's not how I remember her at all, I made her that way with my lies. She changed after I told her. She hated herself because she'd been fooled. We're going to meet up soon. She lives so close to me. I'm worried that as soon as I look at her, into her eyes I will see everything I made her feel and break down. I always have a cutting urge when I think about it. (I've learnt to control this very well on my own)
I don't want anyone to think I'm a fuck up. I don't want any abuse about what I did, I know what I did was horrible. I feel guilty everyday. I don't feel like I deserve happiness or love, which is why I push people away.
Am I wrong to keep her in my life? Should I just cut all ties so that she never has to be reminded of it again?
You know i'd rather walk alone, than play a supporting role.
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Post: #673111  , Tue 7 Aug 12, 10:28PM |
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Talk to her about it see if she can stand to be friends and tell her to be completely honest,even if it hurts your feelings.If she says yes she does want to cut you out then do as she asks but DO NOT SHUT DOWN learn from the situation and keep going. If she does want to keep you in her life well then count it as a blessing and again learn this as a lesson.Oh and I used to pretend to be someone I wasn't except for me I was pretending to be straight I was the perfect little actress.
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Edit: Charmain92, Wed 8 Aug 12, 12:09AM
Post: #673132 , Wed 8 Aug 12, 12:08AM |
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Honestly, people do things they dont understand all the time. Yeah, what you did hurt people, but people hurt each other everyday. I'm not saying it's right, I'm just trying to let you see that you're not the only one who makes mistakes and you shouldn't let this take over your life. Forgive yourself so that you can get on with your life and make it something you can be proud of. It's so easy to focus on the things we dont do right and see ourselves as horrible people, but just remember you're not alone. Everyone makes mistakes. It's how you handle the mistakes that determines whether your future is brighter or not.
Hope this helps you feel a little better about the situation.
I know I didnt really answer whether or not you should keep her in your life...that's up to you. If you think you can forgive yourself with her in your life then do it. If you think you need her gone in order to move on, well then do that. It's what you think you can handle that determines the answer.
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Post: #673193 , Wed 8 Aug 12, 4:14AM |
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Ouch...I almost cried a bit while reading this...
It is good that you know what you did was wrong, but you need to move on eventually. I recommend doing something good (helping out for a charity, volunteering somewhere, etc) in order to "pay off" the money you stole, even if it is in your conscience only. Meet the girl in real life and try your best to first get all your emotions out and after that, move on and try to have a normal friendship with her.
I'm rooting for you, Abbie. Go out and be a good person.
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Post: #673215 , Wed 8 Aug 12, 11:13AM |
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You could make a movie about this situation and it would be the movie of the year  Just FYI
We all make mistakes and what you did seems somewhat innocent. You loved your childhood friend, wanted his memory to live on, and got caught up in the fake world. I'm not a psychologist but it seems like this has to do with your grief process. (Maybe the denial stage?)
And the fact that you fell in love with one of them is unfortunate but anyone on this website should be able to agree that love is love and you can't help who you fall in love with.
Best of luck to you, and keep me updated!
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Edit: laurathegreat1, Wed 8 Aug 12, 1:21PM
Post: #673234 , Wed 8 Aug 12, 1:21PM |
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People deal with grief in different ways. That's really all I have to say on the subject.
I did things people called crazy after my bestfriend died.
I think it's natural.
Writing down every thought that comes into your head can be dangerous, you start to realise how little sense you make.
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Post: #673327 , Wed 8 Aug 12, 11:21PM |
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