G r a h a m _G _H u g h e s : _S p e a k i n g _O u t

--------------------------------- GH @ TRIPOD ---------------------------------

M O R E _ T H O U G H T S _ O F _ A _ G A Y _ G U Y _ A G E D _ 1 6

Calling names?

You know, I think I knew that I was queer as early as 12, but I was in serious denial for at least a year. During that time I couldn't even think the word 'gay'! Mind you, it wasn't exactly a pressing issue, if you know what I mean. I didn't have to accept it, so I didn't. The whole homosexual thingy at that age, for me, was on some distant planet.

So when I was roughly 13, It dawned on me, I was in fact gay, but instead if choosing to look upon it as ' I LIKE BOYZ ', I chose not to look upon it, period. The words homosexual, queer, poof etc made me cringe. To most, they were just meaningless words used to slag someone. But for me, they had a somewhat 'dark' relavance as I kinda took it more seriously. E.G., the word 'dumb' is used to call someone stupid when it actually means your unable to talk. It's the same sort of thing.

For ages, these words were hurtful, not that they were ever directed at me, but the fact that they were used in that way. However, in '97 / age 14, I saw some enlightening media, probably on Channel 4. I realised these words were in common use by gays. Gays, Queers, and even in some cases Poofs were ok. I mean, yeah, these words weren't nice, but only when intended to cause offence. However, I'll never refer to myself as a 'poof', despite the fact that celebs. like Graham Norton do.

'It's a bad influence' they say

I would have exploded without the input from television.

OK, for the 40million^th time, I reffer to Channel god damn 4. When there was nowhere else to turn, the out going and contraversial station stood in. It was [and is] a vital source of queer input. Where else could a kid get gay info.? I saw my first homo film on 4's Queer Street programming on Saturday nights. I can't be sure of it's name, does 'Like It Is' ring any bells? 1st time I saw gay sex aswell. I remember watching it on the TV in my room with the volume as low as I could hear it. I suppose it comes down to fear of your parents finding out. Although I was nervous while watching, I was 'filled with joy' as crappy as it sounds, but there's no better way to decribe it.

TV, it might not be real life and the storylines might me fictional, but it was fucking important for me at the time. It still is. Always will be. Until I'm out there, and living it myself anyway. I'm informed that there's not a gay gay out there who wouldn't do Nathan in Queer As Folk.

I suppose these days, it's not just television. (semi-)Recently Holywood's gone all queer. With movies like 'In & Out', 'The Object Of My Affection' ( That was the gay one with Jennifer Aniston wasn't it????), what else was there?? My point: the planet is becoming a little more tolerant don't you think?...I mean we've come a long way in recent years, mind you, we've probably got the same distance still to go.

Other media, like the 'net, have been valuable aswell. I haven't been connected for long (I had doubts about how well a 75MHz 486DX [!!] would cope), anyhow, I'm good with computers and it didn't take me long to figure out how to create my own user History for my part of the system. So with this, and a bit of confidence I'd built up, I searched 'queer', something I had wanted to do since I got a modem. And GOD! Talk about doors being opened!!. My thanks go out to every gay page owner on the planet! It made me happy again (in comparison to before anyway) and it gave me the push to come out to my best friend.

Me, Now

It took me 3 years to come out to Chris, which I did 2 days before my 16th. But now I just want more.... I goto parties and see boys snogging girls and although I like the people I'm with, all I can think is, 'I don't want to be here'. Sometimes the only place I feel happy is with Chris cause he knows I'm queer, you know, he might me straight himself but at least I can be open. I think I'm struggling to figure who are my 'real' friends and who are merely aquaintances. I mean, technically, I should be able to tell real friends. If there is anyone younger than me (<16) who's out, please tell me how you managed it.

What do I do know??? I'm just not gonna be happy until I can be myself...... walk along the street and say 'He's nice' despite who I'm with.

I've decided I am not going to tell my parents untill I'm completely independant, despite the fact that I think they will understand. Actually, I think my dad has already figured...... but I'm to scared to say anything, at the moment anyway. Wise don't you think?

Find the cute guys featured, and more, read coming out stories by other youths at GYUK and YGMT, be moved by stories, in particular read 'Bill's Story' located somewhere at Ste Mayers' personal site. Get QAF pics. Get other pics at AJ's.

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© Copyright 1999 Graham Hughes