Graham G Hughes: Speaking Out

THIS PAGE IS PLAIN TEXT, BAD ENGLISH AND NO THOUGHT HAS GONE INTO PRESENTATION, UNLIKE ME REALLY...

T H E _ T H O U G H T S _ O F _ A _ G A Y _ G U Y _ I N _ 1 9 9 9

I'm a 16 year old guy from Edinburgh, Scotland, and I'm preparing to sit SQA Standard Grade exams at the end of April, just the usuall stuff, you know?

It then occured to me, there is nothing usuall about this lot......

Over the last year I had become increasingly depressed, at life generally. I kind of put it down to the breakup of my parents which happened at around that time. Anyway the result was that I was becoming detached from my friends. Well lets face it, who would you phone, the lively new friend who you could have a laugh with, or the old friend who could barely form a smile?

So that was the way it went, friends got new friends, and while all I needed was someone to confide in, I was driving away the friends I had.

You see, there are certain unwriten rules, of which one is: Boys Can't Talk With Each Other. What I mean is, while girls can share their thoughts openly, us males can not, generally speaking.

Are you thinking the following?...

WHAT IS THIS SPRAF? WHAT ARE YOU GETTING AT?

OK, the point is, I AM GAY. Tell me, how do you tell your best friend that?

However, I have. I had been thinking about it for months before as I thought this was the key to breaking out of depression. When the time was near enough to the right time, I told him (Chris) because for some reason I felt I could, although I knew his views on the subject were.....well, he thought it was disgusting, unnatural and all the rest of it. The fact that I have known Chris for years and the fact he is a year older than me ( therefore not in my yeargroup/classes ) probably enabled me to tell him. I think he took it OK, but he is a thinker and it's hard to tell what he is thinking deep down.

I felt great, but there was more to bug me.....

IS HE OR ISN'T HE: My best friend in my year, Scott.... We go back a long way and I know him petty well and..... I'm certain he is gay too..... In primary school, we both often hung with the girls [I hate admitting that part] and we were the only boys who didn't like Football. He has to be gay doesn't he? I have indirectly challenged him before.... the result was that he would step up his 'I am straight' campaign..... you know.... buying straight porno type mags and bringing them into school..... telling me what model he's got posters of ... and so on.

ALSO: I'm not the only one who thinks he's gay.... others in my year say the same.... admittingly.... some say he's gay in a jokey way, but others are serious.

CONTRADICTING EVIDENCE: He made up a story about having sex with a girl on holiday, which was taken seriously by no-one. But he went out his way to make sure this story was not heard by me..... Why? .... he had been so keen to show me how straight he was before.

KEEP IN MIND: Scott is relatively popular, and I am relatively unpopular these days, as I kind of explained at the start. I'm not sure if this has any relavance. The thing is, Scott always appears happy, or should I say appearED. Because recently he has caught the depression bug.... what's going on?

And then.....

THE CUTE BOY came into perspectives: Otherwise known as James..... a guy I came to fancy. He sits near me in my Geography class..... we have exchanged nothing more than glances, but glances the were/are. This has been going on for ages... we don't talk to each other, but we look. 'It's in your imagination' I keep telling myself. I am new to this game.... someone tell me... DOES HE LIKE ME?.... Even if he does...... niether of us have the confidence to do anything about it...... well at least I know I don't.

I really want a boyfriend but I don't know how to go about it. One thing I do know is that coming out to everyone at this stage is social suicide. The majority of people at my school are not prejudice to, for example, Sex, Age, Colour, Race etc. However, sexuality is a bit of a grey area. Education on homosexuality is of poor quality, low quantity and unhelpful. Consequently people have an immature approach to the whole thing.

For example, in our Personal / Social Development (PSD) class, we were shown the only piece of material on homosexuality in the curiculum, a short, badly produced, badly directed and badly acted 20 minute video. The atmosphere created was one of disbelief - at the stupidity of it. Have you ever seen a film so badly made, that you had to hold in your laughter? Then you know what I mean. And then, the inevitable ending, the two guys kiss. Everyone in the lecture theatre was reduced to hysterics.

My point is, people in my year might be cool with the idea, but in principle only. If I, if anyone was to come out, the reaction wouldn't be positive, I don't think. I'm in no position to go burning bridges, if you get me.

Looks like I'll have to keep boiling inside for the time being.

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Some Queer Links:

http://www.gayyouthuk.freeserve.co.uk - http://www.scotsgay.co.uk http://members.xoom.com/queerasfolk - http://www.avert.org/ygmt.htm http://www.netlink.co.uk/users/davie/beautiful-thing/

THE ONLINE WORLD IS AN OPEN WORLD. THANK GOD FOR CYBERSPACE.

By the way.... I'm anti-religious..... just incase you thought otherwise ( ^ ).

Visit my significantly better looking car picture site:

http://www.hughes1010.freeserve.co.uk

Comments? Advice? Anything? graham@hughes1010.freeserve.co.uk

07 April 1999

© Copyright 1999 Graham Hughes