Blog Entry: The Gender Binary? Do not want.

The Gender Binary? Do not want. Sometimes, I bloody fucking hate the genderqueer part of me. "Fuck you," I want to say to that part of myself. "Fuck you and just let me be a girl." And sometimes, that thought works; for a few days at a time, I tell myself that I can be content with my chest, my vagina, being perceived as female. I can be happy from here; why not, people will see what they want anyway. Let them be happy that I'm just another "average, heteronormative girl" and I can manage a smile and play along; it won't kill me, certainly not.

And then reality hits me like a brick to the face. It will fucking kill me, because try as I might, I am not a girl. Not all the way, at least -- sometimes I wonder if I'm actually a boy who sometimes likes to be taken for a girl. And then I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me? Can't I even be "normal" in this dysphoria business? I really just want the feminine and masculine parts of myself to bloody well knock it off, and stop mixing together. At least lean one way or the other so I know what I am!!

Those of you who have never questioned your gender identity -- you have no idea how jealous I am of you. I get nights like these, where I'm up late, have had minimal contact with other humans all day, my thoughts are running wild; I just feel nauseous and I'm crying because I feel like there's an endless battle going on inside my head. I don't know how to end this, how to feel comfortable in my own skin for more than a week.

There's a boy under these breasts named Jamie. He's kind of short, but secretly loves it. He has a tendency to be incredibly camp, and he does not apologize for it. He's attracted to dark-haired boys, and prefers a bit of femme-ness. He's a label/literature/food snob, and does a terrible job at hiding that from other people. He fears being unloved.

And unfortunately for all of us, he's sharing a body with this girl, who can be bitter, unhappy, and awkward. But she also loves dancing by herself, and buying magazines for the pictures and cologne samples, and drinking coffee in a cafe just because she can. Sometimes she's witty, and thrills to make other people laugh. More than anything, she wants a family.

These are all parts of myself: I just need to find a way of fitting them all together. I want to be one single person, not all these different sides of myself that I have to rotate through. Sometimes I feel like my gender is determined by the View-Master I played with as a kid, and it just changes with a press of the lever. All of the parts not being used are hidden, forgotten about. I wish that boy and that girl could shake hands, call their truce, and become one person, and I want that one, single person to have the opportunity for a happy, peaceful life.

I fucking hate the gender binary, is what it comes down to.