Blog Entry: idk wat title this is..whinybitch one?

idk wat title this is..whinybitch one? I feel this hollow pain thats not there. I feel this emptyness that means you dont care. I feel all of this and wish i couldnt feel at all. These emotions are not rational, they are not me. Yet they express me in ways i have always wanted to. I dont hate you or this i just cant live this way all of the time. What did you do to me? I didnt do this alone. I find myself looking at the tv looking at my books. I sit there so restlessly still. I cant find joy in anything, passion in anything else. I feel that this is killing me and rebuilding me, but will i like the person who comes out the other side? these violent mood swings cannot be healthy. These flashbacks hurt me in ways you cant comprehend. My body remembers and hungers for your touch. My body curls pain wracking my chest as i fight to breathe. I slowly hide the pain inside pushing it deeper and deeper. I fight for myself. Warring against myself for this feeling of completeness. I try to find when I was happy with myself, happy with my accomplishments. I cannot find any. I curl into the fetal position holding myself as my mind rings with your voice. Why did you leave me? What did he have that i didnt? What do they have that i dont. Ive been kind caring and sweet. I never cheat. Im absolutely loyal. I try to do everything to please you. I dont like getting you mad. I like hanging with you. You know that im always there, day or night. Im always there for you, im always willing to spend time with you. Turn off my videogames, put down my books and just hang. Do whatever. I know that you still feel for me. I know your taken as well. I just dont understand what they have that I dont. Why am i so wrong but feel so right? What the hell is the matter with me. Why cant I ever be happy, why cant i ever be the significant one. WHy am I always the loser in these games of love and relationships. Why am I always at the bottom of the list. Mebbe i will go be an asshole all of the time and just fuck around being an asshole..will you like me then? If i become one of those people you complain about but always go after? maybe i will go play russian roulette with my .45 again. cheat death once again. I am the Angel of Death. meh.