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Mainpage » Gay teen blogs » Blog Entry: Brain monsters

Blog Entry: Brain monsters

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Blog: ENCHANTMENT...? NAH.
< It was only a dream?! Turn around > 
Brain monsters My emotions are going haywire. I think part of it is PMS. Joy.

She has a boyfriend. And for some reason, I'm having a really hard time with it. I want to smack both of them, turn them around, and shove them out of my life.

But I don't want her to be out of my life. Rather, I want this bitter, vengeful part of me to get out of my life. To stop dominating my feelings. I have someone else, someone I love very much, so why is this immature bitch in my head still hanging around?

I want to gouge these thoughts and feelings out of myself.

Figuratively speaking.

I'm not depressed. I know for a fact I'm not depressed. But this is really wearing me out. My counselor says I need to make friends with this part of myself, but how do I do that? I hate this part of myself. I want this brain monster to die.

I don't know how to kill it, though.
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posted by Potatogus on Thursday 11 December 2008 at 11:52PM

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Rob Send Rob a private message
:: Potatogus
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Wow...this is...a really depressing blog.

I just realized.

=/
"If you plant lettuce, and the lettuce does not grow well, do not blame the lettuce." --Thich Nhat Hanh

"You see what you wanna see, and you hear what you wanna hear. You dig?" --The Rock Man, "The Point"
  Post: #199001 Link to this post, Fri 12 Dec 08, 3:51AM
Idir Send Idir a private message
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I think you have perfectly described how I used to feel three months ago.

I used to feel like crap because I couldn't have him as he already had a BF, and I developed a serious aversion towards both of them, even though I still wanted him deep down inside.
I was like Helga Pataki from Hey, Arnold!.
But then I just realized that it was just another infatuation, even though it was a very strong one, actually.

Now I have similar feelings for an older pseudo-breeder boy who's sending ambiguous signals to me...

Straight people are so confusing.

AAAH!
Over the rainbow it's not quite right
I saw a man with a face like a dog
At the traffic lights, howling at the sun.
  Post: #199042 Link to this post, Fri 12 Dec 08, 1:07PM
Rob Send Rob a private message
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I know, right?

I think I figured out why it bothers me so much though. My relationship with her has always seemed to be about her being right and me being wrong. When I started dating my current b/f, she told me she didn't like the fact that I was dating someone (after fifty million times of telling me she didn't return my feelings for her) and now she keeps asking what I think about her and this guy. Well what the hell am I supposed to say?

It's a bitter, vengeful part of my brain and I don't like it.
"If you plant lettuce, and the lettuce does not grow well, do not blame the lettuce." --Thich Nhat Hanh

"You see what you wanna see, and you hear what you wanna hear. You dig?" --The Rock Man, "The Point"
  Post: #199196 Link to this post, Sat 13 Dec 08, 6:51PM
Jeichek Send Jeichek a private message
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"Now I have similar feelings for an older pseudo-breeder boy who's sending ambiguous signals to me...

Straight people are so confusing."

Ugh, I know exactly what you mean. There's this "straight" (my friend keeps telling me he's a closet case) guy I have a major infatuation with.

It's kinda frustrating, because he's in all my classes, so I can't avoid him.
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  Post: #199206 Link to this post, Sat 13 Dec 08, 7:21PM
Rob Send Rob a private message
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Yeah...

well, I know blogs aren't really supposed to be used to ask for advice, but if anyone has any words of wisdom, I'd love to hear them.
"If you plant lettuce, and the lettuce does not grow well, do not blame the lettuce." --Thich Nhat Hanh

"You see what you wanna see, and you hear what you wanna hear. You dig?" --The Rock Man, "The Point"
  Post: #199271 Link to this post, Sun 14 Dec 08, 3:11AM
Jeichek Send Jeichek a private message
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Methinks you need some distance from this person. (If that's feasible at all.) Not indefinitely, but long enough that you cool down a bit and start seeing things in perspective. Then maybe afterwards you can work towards some sort of sane-ish friendship?

I think what your counselor means with "making friends with this part of myself", is to really be brutally honest with yourself. Every time your brain monster pops up you need to carefully take note of the circumstances and the emotions your feel. Really question yourself, and don't make any assumptions.

It's only with knowledge of what exactly makes you act the way you do, and with a certain amount of acceptance of it, that you can try to defeat it.

Disclaimer: me bes notz a psychiaciatriist
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  Edit: Jeichek, Sun 14 Dec 08, 9:16AM
Post: #199335 Link to this post, Sun 14 Dec 08, 9:10AM
Idir Send Idir a private message
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Gaining some distance from her will definitively work, at least it did for me Emoticon: Smile :)
Over the rainbow it's not quite right
I saw a man with a face like a dog
At the traffic lights, howling at the sun.
  Post: #199674 Link to this post, Mon 15 Dec 08, 11:36PM
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