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Mainpage » Gay teen blogs » Blog Entry: The Depression Rant!!!

Blog Entry: The Depression Rant!!!

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Blog: NEWFIEBOI
< Is my self worth really worth it?My Coming Out Adventures Continued > 
The Depression Rant!!! I'm sick and tired of being alone. I'm sick and tired of life passing me by. I'm sick and tired of seeing great people and opportunities walk in and out of my life.

Yes I've come out last year but I never talk about it. Not to my parents, not to anyone. I never ever came out to anybody in person, so am I really out?

But this rant is not about that at all. Its about me not being able to not step out of my comfort zone and meet great people and keep the great people that graced my life over the years. A lot of my friends have just faded away to nothing but a blip on my facebook page.

My biggest problem is that I'm very socially awkward. Even tonight as I was at a 25th aniversary, I couldn't muster the courage to go over and talk to an old friend that I never spoke to in years. Its not that I've never wanted to and I not that I didn't know what to say, its just I...I don't know really.

He's cute and I think he's gay. I would like to have him in my life as a friend at least but I couldn't bring my self to walk four tables over and say "Hello". Perhaps I syke myself out or something.

But it's not only that. Wether it would be potential boyfriends, potential friends, co-workers and even some family I still keep people at a distance. Not letting them in, letting them think that I'm the 'joker' of the group, the guy thats going somewhere or what ever bs they talk about.

The only one who I really say anything to is anyone online that may leand me their ear. People in good faith trust my word in saying that I'm who I am on my profile. People that only will know what I tell them about myself. People that I will never meet face-to-face to see their reaction when I tell that I'm gay.

I'm just sick of being shy! I'm sick of not acting on impulses I should be acting upon! I'm sick of being afraid to explore the "gay" side of life to develop who I am. I'm sick of being intimidated by the more "colorful" gays that seem to have it all together and know what they want. I'm sick and tired not having a single friend to talk to about this with. I'm sick of being depressed. I'm just sick of being alone.
views: 275 responses: 40
posted by Edward1389 on Sunday 15 July 2012 at 2:03AM

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Jackie Send Jackie a private message
:: Tiara
:: QA9 Grand Elder
QA Member's Avatar
Hey. My name is Jackie... Or whatever.
I'll be your friend. No one has it together. I don't have it together. I think that you need to find yourself, and go experience some more life. Throw yourself into a few hobbies, and persevere even when you're depressed.

I'm probably just as shy as you are, or maybe I just avoid "normal" people in general. I don't know, but if you ever want someone to chat with, I've been told I'm a fairly good listener when I pay attention... Which I try to do.

Hit me up if you ever need someone to lean on bro.
  Post: #666014 Link to this post, Sun 15 Jul 12, 5:03AM
Edward Send Edward a private message
:: Edward1389
:: QA7 Taking responsibility
QA Member's Avatar
Thanks for the support. I guess what I mean when I say that some people of the LBGT community seem like they have it all together is more of a percentual thing. The grass is always greener (or at least seems like) on the other side. They put off that they feel confident in themselves which feels very intimidating...if this makes any sense at all.
  Post: #666254 Link to this post, Mon 16 Jul 12, 1:27AM
Jackie Send Jackie a private message
:: Tiara
:: QA9 Grand Elder
QA Member's Avatar
Yeah I totally get that. I think that people put out false confidence in a lot of areas of life. It might seem intimidating but you just have to remember that there will always be people who you think are "better" than you. Just be who you wish you were, honestly when you're feeling insecure or whatever.

I think when it comes to your insecurities you have to pretend you have none and eventually you'll accept who you are.

Hopefully that's sound advice haha
  Post: #666310 Link to this post, Mon 16 Jul 12, 3:45AM
Erik Send Erik a private message
:: Rakkaus
:: QA5 Having the neighbours round
QA Member's Avatar
Hey there Edward,
Ran into this thread and I just wanted to say that as a fellow socially-awkward 22-year-old queer boy, I really sympathize with a lot of what you are saying here. Especially now that I'm home from university, I am realizing how alone and isolated from the people around me I really am. So I know what you are going through...Emoticon: Sad :(

I also know what you mean when you say it seems like everyone else, including LGBT people, seem to have all of their lives in order, whereas I (and maybe you?) are feeling kind of lost and wayward at the moment...Emoticon: Confused :s

If you ever want to talk about anything, please feel free at any time! Either here or contact me via PM or wherever. Remember no matter how alone we might feel at times, we always all have each other! Emoticon: Smile :)Emoticon: Rainbow Pride (p)
  Post: #667289 Link to this post, Wed 18 Jul 12, 9:25PM
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