Blog Entry: There's More to my Story

There's More to my Story So there's this program at my college called "there's more to my story." This is when students come up and talk about their experiences and hope that the new students will take away a good message from the presentations and learn from the stories. I was chosen to present...here's my story


My name is Armando, and I’m a sophomore in the conservation biology department.
I come from Long Island, which isn't too far, but far enough in my opinion, where I can be who I want to be.
Growing up in long island was no problem for me. At least, that’s what it seemed like.
As the years progressed I got to learn a lot about who I really am, like most people do. Around 9th grade, I came out as bisexual, and around 11th grade, I came out as gay…to my friends.
My family knew nothing.
For a while I thought I was comfortable with myself, that I was happy. I, unfortunately, was very wrong.
I think it was the fact that my family didn’t know I was gay; the fact that I wasn’t myself around them.
I had a great bunch of friends. They all knew, they all accepted me…people in my school accepted me for who I am…which was great.
But still, my family never knew.
I was afraid to tell them; especially since my family was a strict Roman Catholic family…telling them I was gay would problem have me out the door.
That was the one thing I feared the most.
As the summer before senior year was in full swing, I was at my lowest point. I didn’t think I was depressed, just upset. I would go through the summer, attending family functions, listening to my family rant about different things. The topic of homosexuality would come up often…and mind you…their comments were not that comforting.
I bottled up all my anger, sadness, and loneliness, to the point where I actually contemplated suicide. Contemplated, but never attempted. From that experience, since I only contemplated and not attempted, I still thought I wasn’t depressed.
So then college came around, and I was excited. I was probably the most excited student in the freshman class last year- ask any of my friends.
The most exciting thing was being able to freely be who I was. As the first semester progressed, one of the RAs did a program where we identified our values. My top 5 values centered around being free to express who I truly am. It got me thinking about my situation with my family and how I have to hide myself from them; how I feel like I didn’t have a home anymore. That night, I called my best friend Kelly crying for about an hour.
Next semester was even tougher on me emotionally. My grades were horrible from the fall semester. I was put on academic probation. I would beat myself up every day, telling myself how stupid I was for letting my grades falter. As the end of the semester came around, the load of the work, plus my emotional problems, were weighing down on me. I think I was at my lowest point. I came to my best friend here, Marie, and cried about how my life was based on my mom’s happiness. I figured out that it wasn’t just the fact that my family didn’t know, but it was that my life was centered on my mother’s happiness-not my own. I was luckily able to stay in ESF this year, but just barely. I tried to take advantage of the free tutoring and workshops, but emotionally, I wasn’t fit to bear all that weight. I never, once, made an attempt to talk to Heather Rice.
It probably didn’t help that I was the only gay male in my class that year. I had no one to relate to, no one who could possibly have gone through the same thing.
My biggest regret is that I didn’t ask anyone for help. I asked my friends, but sometimes, an unbiased opinion is what you need.
If you’re having any problems, any whatsoever, do not be afraid to talk to the RAs, any of the professors, and any of the staff. They’re all here to help you.
I don’t want anyone going through what I went through at all. But I plan on changing.
My sister knows I’m gay, my cousins know, and my mom knows, and is slowly accepting it.
I’m now focusing on my needs and what makes me happy. I plan on being happier because there’s more to my story.