Blog Entry: I Can't Believe It's Been A Year...

I Can't Believe It's Been A Year... For a year I pretended it didn't happen.

For a year I pushed it to the back of my mind.

Hoping it would just leave my head. My thoughts. My dreams.

But it didn't.

It's still here. And whether I like it or not, it always will be.

Maybe I should explain what I'm talking about.

A year ago today something happened to me. Something that I never thought would happen to me. Something I never thought I'd share with anyone. But I can't hold it in anymore. A year ago today...I was raped. Just reading those words makes me nauseous. I haven't talked about it since it happened, so today I am going to open up to all of you strangers.

I worked at a barbecue restaurant. It was me, my boss, his ex wife and a boy a year younger than my. We'll call him D. Now, I was out by this time and have been for 4 years. He knew I didn't like guys.

But that didn't stop him.

He always flirted with me. I ignored him. He wanted to be friends. I shouldn't have fell for his lies.

He invited me to his house to "hang out". When I got there all the bad things happened. I cried the whole time. I couldn't speak. Just cry. Finally, I got the words back and told him I had to go home. He kissed my forehead and said "I love you" with the most disturbing tone I've ever heard. The kind you hear 40 year old pedophiles use in the movies. I wanted to throw up. Once he left I quickly pulled on my pants, didn't bother to button them up, and I drove. I just drove. I balled my eyes out as I called my best friend. I'm surprised she understood me. And I waited in a parking lot for her. Once she got there so did the cops.

Everything just went down hill from there.

They didn't take me to the hospital. They took me straight to the police station to interrogate me for 2 hours. Without an ounce of sympathy. They didn't care. They told me it was my fault. And to this day. I still think it is.

The way they treated me for those 2 hours was horrible. Asking me to tell them what happened in gruesome detail. When I cried they told me to stop. When I tried telling them I was gay and didn't want it they didn't believe me.

They said I wanted it.

They said I didn't say "no" the way I should have.

I guess pushing him away and crying the whole time wasn't much of a hint.

They let him go.

Two days later I saw his name in the newspaper. He was the star baseball player.

His life was normal. Great even.

And I was dead inside.

He took a part of me that I will never get back.

To this day I still try to find that part of me that was lost. It is an event that will is a part of me and will be for the rest of my life. But sometimes?

I wish he would have just killed me.