Blog Entry: Oh how confusing it can be!

Oh how confusing it can be! 1. Him
2. Her

1. Him; He's perfect... he shouldn't be, but he is. I mean in the best way... He likes Buffy and Ani, his favorite musician is Ryan Adams.... He has excellent movie taste, book taste, taste in practically anything... He's adorable, he falls under the queer category so hey, no awkward talk about what it means that I like all sorts of people...

And yet

there's one imperfection.
The fact that he currently has someone filling the position of girlfriend.

After freshman year, and the abuse from J, I thought I was never going to have a crush on a guy again. I mean literally, trust issues galore over here. And then this guy stumbles along my path and even after a simple introduction I can't get him outta my mind. It's like he's got this aura around him that just draws me in.. The way he talks, the words he uses to construct his thoughts... the way he laughs and smiles at the same time, so you know he must be genuinely amused... He's incredible.
And not at all mine,
never will be.
and yet, I still can't stop thinking about him...why? How? What in this world can I possibly do to make this thought of a guy go away?

2. Her; She was in my first grade class, and we were close. And then luck had us separate until about 4th or 5th grade. Then all of a sudden we were buds again. Then after the whole marvellously decedant drama filled spring of Freshman year she became the one friend I clung to, when all others had abandoned me and my bruised ego/mind. She understood. The fact that no one else would touch; I never left them, I just didn't have a choice, he made himself my only choice. She got that, and instead of being angry, she helped me out.

Silly me, figuring something like that meant we were perfectly friends until at least graduation.

But now here I am.
Out and certainly proud.

And there she is, not having talked to me in months, asking for advice about a crush on my friend.

She wants to be like we were she says.

The way we told each other everything, and helped each other out.
The way friends do.

Except there's a catch.

She doesn't want me to share everything.

She wants me to leave out all the things connected with me and my big giant rainbow she figures I've got stapled to me.
I guess it is.
It's a big part of who I am now, I can't fool anyone by lying.
and I can't lie to her.

That's what that would be.
Lying.

she has been there when I was in hell and back, and yet this is what she chooses to leave me behind for. Not the tears, or the bruises, or the counselling appointments that took up most of my sophomore year. Not the dramatic outbursts during the season of J and his ugly side. She has seen me crying and so far gone that all I have left is scraps of myself I can't even recognize and finally, I've got it all figured out.

Finally I am me.
No one's hurt me since,
I haven't let them.
I've gotten strong and proud and happy.
I am happy.
And now she decides is the point, the line in the road she cannot cross with me...
And honestly?
I don't understand.
I'm angry.
because she loved me when I was miserable, and now she can't except what makes me the happiest...