Blog Entry: Heartache

Heartache It seems like the second i get rid of one thing of my past another one pops up that bothers me for days...
This time its about a friend of mine. We're best friends..
But i find it extremely hard to make him happy sometimes. I have a tendency to be annoying.. And every single minute of every day im constantly watching myself to make sure i dont do anything that will annoy him so much that i lose him... I know i overthink things sometimes.. But my past has made losing someone i care about one of my biggest fears to the point to where i do absolutely everything in my power to keep my friends happy.
Hes like my big brother. My stepdad treats him as if he's his kid.. My actual brother lives 4 hours away so he's the one, that doesnt replace him, but hes there for me like my real brother would be. And hes like a member of my family.
But lately it seems like ive been extremely annoying.. Not from the little things he pointed out.. But just the way hes been acting.. More than anything in the world i want him to be happy with me and proud of me. But i dont know how to do that. Im such a pleaser that, that's what i want with every one of my family and friends. But its him and my parents and my real brother that i CONSTANTLY worry about. If he'd just tell me that hes proud of me and actually meant it. Id feel better. But i honestly doubt he is. And im not gonna make him do anything. The fact that im such a pleaser makes me seem like this annoying obsessive person that im not. I hate it. I absolutely hate it because its what stresses me out more than anything else..
I feel like if i talked to him about it, itd make him mad. Im honestly terrified to talk to him about it.. I keep thinking maybe he'll just realize it.. But then i just dont know...
And it hurts.. It hurts really bad actually.