Blog Entry: out of mind?

out of mind? have you ever had the feeling when a past episode comes back up? the rush of complexities from a memory that was all but forgotten. that sat so far back in the mind, it became a point in history, that only has to be acknowledged, but not actually remembered? a big black line you see in a censored letter, not appearing over a memory you tried to put one on?

so many units of memory are useless trivia, some with academic knowledge, some cultural background, and comfortable few are past memories. i remember few memories, i know little past, i see more gaps, than i should, but as many as i like.

i want these lines, i put them there. i fade, censor, background these moments myself. i acknowledge them, but i don't remember them, i don't want to remember them, i can't forget them, but i don't have to remember them.
so i don't.

they did happen, the are known, the do cause an effect, but i deal with the effects in the now, and leave events past back in the past.
the few things around the memory weight themselves with it and it's sentiment, and they become tiring to look at. the link you, and bring you back to the event, and it makes me uncomfortable, unnerved, scared.

i hate it when memories come back. especially the ones that represent things still haven't really come to terms with.
i came out to people months ago, but i still haven't learnt to accept myself.

i can accept what it is, i can accept who this is, i know what it is, it's a sideline act, something i can push to the back of my mind, and deem it as irrelevant truth when i hold my fantasies and imaginations.

why can't these things just stay out of mind?
what went wrong?
it's just so much easier to be normal.