Blog Entry: Bullying Killed My Friends and Almost Got Me

Bullying Killed My Friends and Almost Got Me I truly abhor bullying... I was bullied for a majority of my life. While all forms of bullying are obviously very bad, when I say I was bullied, I don't mean minor bullying. People would follow me home and beat me up. It felt like people always found a reason to mess with me.

When I was 4, my mom had problems supporting the two of us. As a result, I was sent to the Philippines to live with my grandparents until my mom could support us both. Two years passed, and in that time, I had to start school. That entire time I was there, I couldn't speak Tagalog. Because of that, the other kids in my class made fun of me. They thought I was retarded just because I couldn't be like them.

In the time I was in the Philippines, if anything, I acquired an accent. I remember being on the plane, looking forward to coming back. Not only was I going to see my mother for the first time in two years, but I was finally getting away from those kids that were constantly talking behind my back.

I started 2nd grade in the US. I was excited. I knew that I didn't belong to that school where people spoke "funny talk." I was back in what I believed was my home country. I belonged here. This is where I was meant to be. Things will be different... or so I thought.

The second I stepped foot onto the grounds of my new school, though I was unaware of it, I was going to remain an outsider. For the next two years, things didn't change. If anything, it was worse. Like in the Philippines, they all still talked about me behind my back. The only difference was I could understand what they were saying. Over half the time, those kids didn't even try hiding that they were talking about me. I still remember them making the "Asian Face" at me telling me to go back to China, Japan or whatever Asian country they could think of.

After 3rd grade, I transferred to yet another school. As an incoming 4th grader, I still had the hope that things would be different. Maybe it was the town. Maybe it was just those two schools. By the time I got to my 3rd school, my accent went away. I sounded American again. They don't have anything on me.

4th grade started. I was right. People didn't take notice of me. Yes, I was ignored, but it was definitely better than the negative attention I had been receiving since I started school in general. Things were calm for the first two months, but go figure, it didn't last for long.

I remember coming to school early one day. As I sat in my usual corner, ignoring everyone as I did daily, loud shouting caught my attention. As I recall, there was a 5th grader holding a bag [that obviously wasn't his] above a 3rd grader. After watching quietly for a few minutes, it became clear that something had to be done. By watching the situation play out, I saw myself being bullied in my old school. Calling an adult to handle the situation may have been the best thing to do, but being the impulsive child I was, I tackled the kid down. Big mistake. Not only did I receive several punches to the face, quiet days at that school were over. On my way home, [I walked] it was just my luck that the 5th grader that I had tackled earlier that day had older siblings [can't remember if they were in high school or jr high]. I remember one of them holding me and then the other punching me over and over in the stomach. After collapsing to the ground, I remember waking up and the contents of my backpack were spilled all over the place. Because of how things were at home, I never told my mom anything that I felt would worry her too much. She was stressed enough worrying about my newborn brother.. plus the abuse we got from his dad. Everything continued the same way until I finished elementary there.

Jr. High was the worst. Because of my previous experiences of being bullied, I gave up on people. I didn't need anyone but myself. From the outside, I was like stone. I never smiled... at least not for real. I had only two friends, whom I didn't really get too attatched to at the time. I was disconnected from everything... peers and adults... It became a regular routine for me to be chased home. If I got away, great. If not... then crap... the treatment varied. Sometimes these kids would just push me around. Sometimes they'd have one of their friends' dog go after me. The worst was when I was tied to a tree and they hit me with sticks... Schools 1-4 were just bad. I didn't have a comfort zone. My house was an abusive battlefield and school was just my shift for being a pinata.

7th grade hit, I moved to school #5. Things began looking up. I made a few more friends. Kids continued being haters, but I didn't care anymore. I'd take blackmail over beatings any day.

School # 6: High school. I found out I was gay. As most of you may know, once you figure out that part of yourself, then you're paranoid as hell. Rumors began flying all over the school. The constant anxiety caused me to be mentally unstable. Suddenly it felt worse than School #4's beatings. Sophomore year hit, and the rumors died down. I was getting used to the idea of being a lesbian. Bullying felt like a thing of the past. Then it happened. I caught word that one of my friends from my previous town hate killed herself. Reason: bullying. I lost it. I was furious... confused... frustrated... sad... That event alone finally broke me.

I became suicidal, emo, depressed... everything. I ended up attempting suicide almost weekly. That depression ended my relationship with my girlfriend, [let's call her Melissa.] I left the state for rehabilitation purposes.

I was in therapy for my entire junior year. 5 therapists... I never felt so insane in my life. While I was away, on Valentine's Day, my ex, Melissa, was killed. Reason: Homophobia. Some bastard hit her with his car just because she was a lesbian. She died in the hospital that same day. If that wasn't enough, an exact month later, my other friend [who was apparently in love with Melissa] killed herself because of Melissa's death.

Many others that I was friends [which I didn't mention] with were killed by bullying. Miraculously enough, it didn't kill me. Why do I bring this up now? There was lots of bullying going on in front of me today and I wanted to send a message out:

To you bullies out there, STOP. You have no clue how badly you could be hurting someone.

To those of you being bullied, don't let this horrible bullying get to you. You're only letting those bullies win. Many have died. I survived. Choose to be a survivor... I know Melissa would have...