Blog Entry: It all hits you at once don't it...

It all hits you at once don't it... It's that time of year :L Exams are coming up and tbh exams just make everything shit, and every year it gets worse! So yeah I have to revise for a load of subjects I don't even enjoy doing or want a future in at all. Just to prove to the world I'm "clever" so I don't end up living in a cardboard box.

My parents pressure me an unhealthy amount even though they say they don't pressure me at all (bullshit) my mum was going on about it earlier and she just said "What do you want to be in life? Well?" and I said "Happy"

How the hell am I supposed to be happy if the only thing I have any drive for is completely out of my reach. Of course this is music, the only thing I'd truely be happy waking up for, my parents basically tell me point blank that a wont make it there, I might as well just od well in maths and science and get some boring shitty job that makes me unhappy cos it pays well.

I have like no hope for my future being a happy one :L I'm only 14, how shitty is that? I genuinally at the moment don't see a point in me being here at all. If Gods real why'd he make me good at maths? I hate it.It makes me unhappy being good at it makes no difference so why the fuck am I when someone else could be instead?
Also...why'd he make me queer if it's such a fucking sin? If I'm gonna have to hide it and be unhappy.

The thing that sucks the most is that whenever I see my boyfriend I just feel like I'm playing it straight-.- I almost feel like I may not like boys at all and thats shit because if the crummy religion things true I'm going GAY to hell...

Also my boyfriends a really nice boy at times (Just not when he's going on about wanting to get off with me that scares the shit out of me cos If I don't like it it's pretty hard to act like I do-.- I wish lads just weren't like that) anyway he's nice and I know he likes me a lot but, when I kiss him I don't get the fireworks, I know I should give it a chance but I feel like a shitty person for it.

Then theres the girl that i'm getting over, where do I even fucking start. It's like I need her as a friend but she makes me feel shit even if she's trying not to. The fact she's straight obvs, and I still can't get my head around her messing me about like she did. The fact she'll never ever be mine that sucks so much it's unreal. HER BOYFRIEND... yes I know I have one too! but still:L Then the fact that although she did the shit she did she's such a good friend and a good person and honestly the way she is is just so brilliant even as a friend...

I just see no point anymore. The points to try to be happy but hey I don't even think thats possible for me anymore, yeah I don't feel to great tbh about anything:L Sorry for the massive ramble.