Blog Entry: Life= Infinite Cries

Life= Infinite Cries Wow.
That's really the only way I can start this. It's been such a long time since I last blogged. Lately, life's been getting quite interesting, and it is FREAKING. ME. OUT.

I mean, life isn't supposed to be generally interesting, is it? I've always been taught and learned through experience that life is, for the most part, unexciting and routine. I've learned to love this routine of everyday life, and resent my earlier lack of appreciation for it in earlier times.

I guess I have to start somewhere. So I guess I'll start with Matthew.

Matthew. Even the name mages my insides tingle. We met at acting camp, last summer. He was my first real crush on a guy a knew. Obviously, he is extremely straight. After all of the drama was done, I felt alone, like a dying candle in a world of darkness. I got over him and moved on with my life, yet there will always be part of me that says "that guy was really great".

I thought Matthew would never talk to me again after the stuff that happened between us, but I was wrong. Two nights ago, he messages me about some useless information about some song I showed him that summer. It was confusing. I fel that, there had to be some reason for him messaging me. But then I realized that there wasn't a reason. I knew, however, that it meant he had finally forgiven me. A person who I thought would never speak to me ever again, actually initiated a conversation with me. That was really bizzare. Things just went down the rabbit hole for my mental stability from that seemingly insignificant (but not for me) moment.

Lately, I've felt really sad, but I don't know why. Stress? Maybe. Lonliness? Possibly, but I know what that feels like and I'm just not going through that at the moment. The feeling creeps up on me at unexpecting times. Like now, as I'm writing this entry. It is a dark feeling, almost like that feeling you get when you eat too much food too quickly, except deeper. It's like heartburn but icy-hot. Also, occasionally, I'll just get so angry! It literally feels like a fire inside of me. I can tell it's about to happen because I'll become very temperature sensetive, and feel like I'm burning up even though, to other people, my temperature is perfectly healthy.

And Jack. I don't feel feelings for him anymore. I've moved on. Or so I thought. I don't fantasize about him, or try so hard to win him over, but there is one little issue with our dear friendship. I'm extremely jealous. Any girl or guy around him that is getting to flirty, automatically gets put on my a-hole list, for absolutely no reason except for me not liking their affection towards Jack. And I've never felt jealous like this before. It's such a strange feeling. Hopefully I can conquer this mountain, and return to a more normal friendship.

I don't know why I think this time is so weird, but I'm so emotional, which annoys me. I want to be organized again, and to get all of my homework done on time, and the night before.

Maybe I'll find solice in staying up on my computer to late at night to do any possible work I need to do. And first thing tomorrow morning, I'm printing out my homework, and organizing my folders.

Wish me luck,
Love Harrison