Blog Entry: So mixed up

So mixed up Sometimes I am unsure if things are really the way I think they are or if I just choose to see them this way. I am writing this solely for the purpose of organizing my thoughts. Writing helps me think. Right now I identify as a lesbian but I honestly don't know if I really am one. Sometimes I feel so fake. I know that I like girls in a romantic way and in a physical way but I have a pretty specific type that I am attracted to. When it comes to guys I don't really have a type, I love em' all.. At least in a romantic/he is super cute way. But I have zero physical attraction to men. I wouldn't mind kissing but it would never go further than that and for me personally you have to be sexually attracted to someone to date them. I know some people don't think that way but I do. Therefor I will never date a man, even if I do have a crush on one. The fact that I only like certain girls but a lot of types of guys makes me feel like a phony if I say I am lesbian even though I only will date women. Okay so it's not really a certain type of girl, it's more like just girls who are quite a bit more masculine than me.. which isn't hard to be seeing as I am super girly. Does the fact that I only like masculine girls make me less of a lesbian? I think guys are cute and some I would date but I find.."man parts" horrifically disgusting. I have experience with both genders and I definitely prefer girls. I still don't really know if I deserve to call myself a lesbian, though I want to. I wish I didn't get those stupid crushes on guys cause it totally messes with my head and makes me question.
Those crushes are what prevented me from admitting to myself that I liked girls. When I was 11 I noticed that I liked girls and when I was 12 I told some friends that I was lesbian but sometime before I turned 13 I went back into the closet and told everyone that it was just a phase. I convinced myself that it was just a phase because I liked guys and I passed off my crushes on girls as "girl crushes." It wasn't until I actually had sexual experiences that I realized that I could never be with a man and that I had to accept my attraction to women. I still don't really know what to call the way I feel though.. Am I a lesbian? I know that there are certain girls who make me feel all fluttery inside and I just want to be around them all the time and be affectionate. But I still don't know.. I feel like I wouldn't be thinking about all of this if I was in a relationship cause then I would be like "yeah I'm a lesbian. I'm dating a girl." But since I have never been in a real relationship with a girl I feel like I can't really say for sure.. Even though I have slept with a girl, we were just friends so there was no emotional/romantic aspect to it.. grrgffffzzzlld I don't even know any more..