Blog Entry: My Life and its Never Ending Crap

My Life and its Never Ending Crap So, for those of you who don't know, on November 29th, I almost killed myself. However, I told one of my friends, we talked on the phone for an hour, and she showed up at my house with her aunt who happens to be a psychologist and we talked for a while in her car. It's amazing, that was almost two months ago now and it simultaneously feels like ages ago and just yesterday.

Before this almost-suicide, I experimented with self-harm a little. I would just feel really bad and wanted an outlet so I would grab whatever sharp object was handy (which was usually scissors, a metal skewer, or a kitchen knife) and... hurt myself. I never broke the skin, which made me even more angry because I felt weak, like I didn't even have the guts to do that. The worst "cut" I made is still on my arm, slightly pink, taunting me every day.

On the day I almost killed myself, after my friend and her aunt left, I went back into my room, avoided my sister's glances, and closed out all of the websites I had open about suicide and methods of doing it. I had a sudden burst of euphoria; I felt that things were going to get better, I would feel happier and life would be worth living. That only lasted until my mom got home an hour later and came in, wondering what exactly had happened. Naturally I had to explain and she acted very... sad. Like it was her fault because she hadn't gotten me therapy earlier, that I had been showing signs and that she had just been ignoring them. Which wasn't true at all, since I'm pretty sure I would still feel this way even if I had gotten therapy. And yes, I had been showing signs and trying to get my parents' attention to the fact that I was not happy with anything anymore, but that didn't mean it was her fault.

She got me a doctor's appointment and shortly after that I was put in therapy.

I had no problem with that; I've been asking for therapy for two years.

But now... things aren't as good. I'm feeling worse than I did before, less like living, and I've realized that right now the only things holding me back from doing the deed are seeing the two people who are the ONLY people that actually make me the tiniest bit happy, and the fact that I have no way to kill myself, even if I were allowed home alone anymore, which I'm not.

And therapy... it's not even helping. I feel like shit all week and then I get into that bright happy room and I feel normal. It's like she's freaking Jasper Hale and controls my emotions when I'm near her and so when I'm in therapy I'm absolutely fine but then I don't have anything to tell her 'cause I feel like my life is in order and then I leave and an hour later I feel worse than when I started. I don't know what's wrong with me.

But because of this, therapy isn't working.

And a couple days ago, for the first time since my first experimentations with cutting in November, I was sitting in my room eating dinner and afterwards I took the fork, cleaned it, and made the worst (for my standards) cut-like thing in my arm that I have done ever. Which in the realm of cutting isn't that bad since it didn't break the skin but I've already established that I either don't have sharp enough instruments or I'm just too fucking weak to actually do much harm to myself. It did offer relief in a way, but the next morning I woke up, remembered, and thought, "What the hell is wrong with me?! Why did I start this again?! Why am I such a fucking idiot?!" Even as I thought it, I was possessed with the desire to do it again. I haven't, but I'm sure I will.

I feel so guilty about this, because I promised this girl (who texts me like every 45 minutes and won't leave me alone even after I CLEARLY told her I DON'T think of her that way and DON'T want to date her, and who has done some serious cutting and had some suicidal ideation as well) that I would tell her any time I wanted to cut. But when I'm feeling like I want to cut, there's only one person I want to talk to, and I feel like I'm a burden to her, texting her all the time, and I would die without her so I don't want her to get fed up with me, so I feel guilty texting her all the time... Legitimately, we've had snow days this whole week and I had a dream the other night that we had school and I hugged her, that's how much I miss her right now. >.< Which is awkward for me to admit, since I usually don't miss people this much.

But... yeah. My mom's looking into antidepressants (I thought so, at least...), and I feel worse than I did, and I'm like in love/like with two people, and I want to cut again... and that's my life right now. Whoo-hoo.

Sorry, I just realized this is really long. xD So if you actually read this whole thing, I applaud you and am thankful because I realize it was probably a waste of time for you to read about my problems when you most likely have those of your own and have better things to do. So, if you've made it to here, thank you. So much.