Blog Entry: My first blog

My first blog I wasn't sure what to write about for my first blog, so I decided to write about the first thing that came into my head and hope that someone might be able to share an oppinion or maybe even read this and laugh at it.Even if no one has an oppinion it is nice to just write everything down. Here it goes.

The first time C walked into class I knew I wanted to be his friend. It wasn't anything more than that. A friend-crush as I call them. It took me one month to make a move to invite him to our after class coffee chats and I was over the moon when he said yes.

After joining us a few times and making small talk he and I made plans to go to the local gay bar to wind down after the long week. When he came to my place to pick me up we got talking about sexual orrientation and when he knew that I wasn't a total lesbian and then told me he was bi. Until that moment I thought he was gay, so I was kind of shocked only because I was then not sure if he saw this outting as a date or just two friends having a good time. So I decided that it wasn't worth fretting over and that I might as well enjoy the night no matter what happend. After a few drinks and a lot of dancing we kissed and I wasn't sure what to think so I went with it, we continued on for the rest of the night just having a good time and missed the last bus back to my place. So we decided to crash at his.

I would like to say that it was like something out of a movie but to be honest it was strange. We had a smoke on his balcony and he asked me if I hoped that that night would never end, then we played a game involving hypothesising about the lives of the people in the appartment building accross from his and then went to his room. I knew that he was hoping for more than just making out but I wasn't ready, for a few reasons, so we just talked. He told me something very personal and also mentioned that he too noticed me the first day of class and wanted to get to know me. I was flattered and admited that I had to work up the courage to talk to him as well.

From that night on we either spoke or saw eachother everyday. It was strange though because the more we talked the more we both realized we has in common. It was almost to the point that we could predict the other persons sentence and felt oddly at ease with eachother. Until then I had never been around someone that made me so comfortable and honest.

For a while we tried the whole dating thing even though both of us knew that dating eachother would not be a good idea for our sake and the sake of everyone we are ever around but that ended a while ago. Now we just are and I am fine with that, I don't want him in any other way than friendship, but it scares me. I don't like that when we hug I feel whole and that he knows exactly what I am trying to say when words fail me. I know that I won't fall for him but I am afraid I may become to dependent and I know he is afraid of the same thing too. He is not the type that does dependency but I can tell that even he feels the pull and is afraid of this odd connection.It's in the little things he does, like randomly show up where I am volunteering and bringing me kinder eggs(im addicted). We are both cautious and are trying to put distance between us but it never lasts long.

I'm trying to live with the whole let be attitude but I am genuinely creeped out by the way our friendship has developed, and my friends don't seem to understand why I even hang out with him. They seem to only see the differences between us. He is a lot more (... how do I put this politely...) promiscuous than I am and he also drinks quite a bit more than I do (sometimes to the point that he passes out), though I have done both of those things in the past I do joke with my friends but am secretly hurt everytime one of them says he is trashy or needs to tone it down.

I am not exactly sure how to end this other than to say I am sorry to ramble on so much I am just trying to write down everything I am thinking.